Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hot Women That Could Beat Me Up

Having attended a small liberal arts college in western, PA, I was exposed to a variety of topics that I would not otherwise have been made aware of. One of these such topics (as an English/Soc. major) was gender and women's studies. Plus, as an early twenty-something in college, this allowed me to accomplish my goal of having classes with as many females as possible. Were a lot of them closeted or militant lesbians? Sure, but I was playing the numbers game at the time and, in the end, I came away with a seasoned knowledge of Lilith Fair, The Vagina Monologues, and Hillary Clinton.

While I was supposed to be learning about women's liberation and the rise and onset of feminism, I (as I'm sure all of the other handfull of guys in my classes) couldn't help myself from constantly checking out the old famous pictures of babes that accompanied the literary journal articles, historical documents, and totally awesome feminist literature. I mean, have you seen Margaret Thatcher, Virginia Woolf, or Marie Juchacz? If not,'re missing out! However, one of the common themes that I noticed was...well, the majority of them could probably kick my ass.

Now that I've grown older and come to appreciate the feminist movement and all of the hardships associated with it, my idealologies have shifted. Much as a caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly via metamorphosis, I too have had a transformation. No longer do I yearn for the the literary beauties of my youth. Rather, my attention has shifted to the athletic domain. However, pretty much all of these women could still beat the shit out of me.

No list like this would be complete without starting off with Serena Williams. I personally think that Serena is hot and one helluva tennis player. Well...wait. For the most part, I think Serena is hot. She looks great in an evening dress or a bikini, but when she's on the court, she flat out frightens me. On-court Serena is what I imagine hides in my closet at night and waits for me to go to sleep. Don't believe me? Well, watch the below video and tell me that this tiny little line judge didn't have a flashback to the first time she saw The Exorcist. She was about to jump into the stands once Serena started coming after her. And you know what...I don't blame her.

Click here for the entire ordeal. It was a little too long and you didn't get to see her total outburst. High comedy.

In terms of the Olympics, the summer games are the Kim Kardashian to the winter games' Khloe. There's a reason they were chanting "Ug-ly Sis-ter" in Boston during the NBA Finals at Lamar Odom. However, I digress. The summer games grant us beach volleyball, swimming, softball, and the hot babes of fencing. Yet, even with all of those sports, one cannot forget the important contributions of female gymnastics. Fittingly, during the Olympic games in Beijing, women's gymnastics belonged to Shawn Johnson (who is cute, but not hot unless you have a thing for Danny DeVito-types) and Alicia Sacramone. She did fairly well during the Olympics, but...well, honestly I don't remember. It was a long time ago and unless you're a gymnastics enthusiast, who really cares? In any case, Alicia is 5'1, can do a bunch of tricks on beams and rings, and pretty hot. Why does she make the list do you ask? Well, ask this guy.

Yikes! Good luck if you ever get into a fight with your girlfriend, Brady Quinn.

The next lucky female to make my list is Gina "Conviction" Carano and her job is to actually kick opponents' collective asses. I don't know much about MMA b/c I don't like to drink Budweiser for breakfast, watch NASCAR, or have sex with my siblings and pets, but I do know that it involves a level of toughness that I will never reach in my lifetime. I really can't find any reason to make fun of Ms. Carano as her sport is about killing people. She was an American Gladiator after all. But, she's hot and could absolutely, unequivocally destroy me. I would never say anything bad about her, especially on the off chance that she reads this. Team Conviction!

I could only imagine what would happen if you were dating her and forgot to take out the trash.

There you have it. My first official "Hot Women That Could Beat Me Up" list. I was going to include some WNBA players, but c'mon...I said 'hot' women. Hopefully you laughed at this. But if you didn't, at least realize that I was joking and wrote this tongue-in-cheek before you send me a picture of you burning your bra in protest. Take a deep'll need it because dinner isn't going to put itself on the table.


  1. Hey, I don't watch MMA either and I don't like Nascar or having sex with my siblings or pets, but there is nothing wrong with breakfast Budweisers!!!

  2. Hiiiii!!! Making my first appearance, and I was entertained. Although I have to disagree with your opinion on Serena. I'm not sure anything about her is "hot," as you say...


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