Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Oh, Baltimore...

I have been living in Baltimore for almost a year now. I love this city (despite the asshole traffic enforcement). It has a ton of history, dozens of fantastic places to eat and drink, it's easy to get around, and it is generally a chill place to live for younger adults. Now, I know there are really awful places to live, but I don't go there and I'm perfectly happy to leave them on my DVD copy of The Wire. All in all, Baltimore is a cool place to live.

Baltimore is also one of the funniest places that I have ever spent a significant period of time in. I have seen and witnessed some of the most strangely awkward situations in my life here, to which you can only shake your head and laugh. There are definitely some weirdos living in Charm City.

Alcohol has a lot to do with many of the strange occurences here. For example, this picture was taken during a bar crawl that we witnessed on the way to...breakfast. Yes, the first meal of the day. If you click on the picture to enlarge it, you will witness a woman completely passed out on the steps of someone's house. My buddy, Jad, snuck up very close to capture this beast in her natural habitat (i.e. passed the eff out on a stoop before 10:30). This bar crawl would later lead to a multitude of fights (including a stabbing), general debauchery, and many other people passed out. This lovely lady just decided to take the plunge early and won the award for First Passed Out Chick of the day. Further, it should be noted that she has absolutely no clue that anyone was talking about her, let alone that someone was brave enough to sneak up to her to clearly take a picture. Keep it classy.

Speaking of passed out, I came across this on a walk...not home, but going out. Pretty sure it was after a Raven's game. However, this was such a find. The guys were clearly spent after a long evening of partying. Yet, they found the strength to order a pizza (Domino's is across the street) and proceed to devour it. However, all of this effort clearly made them sleepy as they laid back for a quick snooze. It should be noted that they both still had yet-to-be finished pieces of pizza in each of their hands. The scene was eerily reminiscient of a Romeo and Juliet suicide pact, except instead of poison and daggers it was alcohol and pizza.

In terms of passing out, it is a great feeling to capture the subject completely passed out. Yet, it is another story all together to capture each stage of the subject traveling the dark and lonely path to passedoutdom. The best and most readily available subject: The Baltimore Bum.

In the first picture, we find the bum in one of his natural habitats: the bar. Having chugged as many Natty Boh's for as much change as he had rounded up, it is possible to see his eyelids getting heavy. It is here that we will find the bum singing the wrong words to songs (or just blatantly shouting), attempting to hit on women, possibly urinating on himself, and many other fun activities. In the second picture, we find the bum has moved outdoors. Slumber has her claws in him now, as he attempts to dance his way out of it. However, the dance moves aren't working as we find in picture three. Nap time! But what other way is there to pass out on a bus stop bench than with another beer? If this is wrong, then the Baltimore Bum doesn't want to be right.

Not everyone that lives in Baltimore is confined to foot traffic. In fact, many people drive motor vehicles. The varying degree of vehicle is what makes Baltimore unique.

This lovely truck was parked outside of my house one fateful day, no doubt lowering the value of my neighborhood. The truck is apparently owned by Misses (sic) Ellen Sunday and her fantastic cats. Your eyes are not deceiving you; yes, those are cats with laser beams shooting out of their eyes, thus making them fantastic. The rest of the truck was covered in various stickers that usually can be found on the refrigerator of a family with a small child. I can only speculate to the type of person that would drive this truck. However, I must give credit to any woman that cares after the lonely laser beam-eyed cats of the world. Lord knows that someone has to...

This next vehicle is one of my favorites. It is a large white van littered with various keepsakes and motivational phrases. The highlight can be found above the grill: "GOD. MADE. CHiLdREN WiNNER'S." So...many...questions...

First, God made children winners of what? What exactly are these children winning? All children are not winners, as made clear by the above car, the above bums, the above people passed out on the street, and whatever person drives this vehicle. Second, could someone not help the driver out with some more capital letters? If God made children winners of, I presume, everything, couldn't He take a minute to capitalize the poor driver's "i's" and "d" to really drive home the point? The fire blue flame atop the windshield shows that the driver really means business, which is only further accentuated by the chrome spoiler, exhaust, and side vents. For God's. Sake. Let's save some money. On. The. Chrome. And splurge for some. Capital Letter's.

Finally, I was lucky enough to snag this picture on my way to work one morning. Seriously, dude...a segway? While the segway is the leader in personal, green transportation, transforming the way you work, play and live, could there be a more douchey way to travel? Like, you just look like a loser. I am sure they are cool to drive and are fun, but do you really need to get one for the purpose of your morning commute? I laugh at the cops that ride around on these things. This guy is the only non-cop that I have witnessed driving around (is it even called driving?) on one of these. How would you pick up a girl with one of these? Is he married? Does his wife think this is cool? Further, how does she allow him to leave the house? Does he ever go pick up the kids from school with it?

All of these questions flood my mind as I drive past this guy everyday. Yes, I pass this guy daily. I can only imagine how hard I would want to punch him in the face if I worked with him and he ever bitched about the morning commute. "Really, had a rough commute? You ride to work on half of a robot. You look like a super hero. I was sitting in traffic for an hour on 695 in my shitty Toyota thinking about the latest Dora the Explorer episode that I watched this morning with my kids. I truly hate you."

My part of Baltimore can also be a dangerous place...for drunks. This tends to happen every weekend:

2 lessons: Don't mess with Baltimore cops (again, check The Wire) and Don't wear a Yankess hat. You already look like a front-running tool, plus you will get beat up.
All in all, Baltimore is awesome. As I encounter more crazy situations, I'll continue to post them. Come visit, you'll have a good time.

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